As preteens we all dreaded having “the talk” with our parents. The birds and the bees. The sex talk. Some parents went into more detail than you wanted, some gave very little helpful information at all, some parents had the talk early and some had the talk way after you’d already heard about or experienced what they were trying to tell you! One thing that everyone has in common is that regardless of when or how the conversation happened, puberty is an inevitable part of being a human. We all have unique experiences, however, when and how a parent has that conversation does have a huge impact on how you navigate puberty and intimacy. But this isn’t a blog about puberty…
As adults, we dread (and avoid) having another big talk, it’s the conversation with our spouse about death. While this conversation may seem too scary or awkward or too emotional, just like that birds and bees talk, when and how you have this conversation (and how you document it) has a huge impact on navigating life after your spouse has died.
Ok so when do you need to have this conversation?
As soon as possible.
Listen, I get it, no one wants to imagine their spouse dying, and when you’re young or newly married it seems so far away,, but having the conversation doesn’t jinx anything or make it happen faster, and avoiding the conversation doesn’t help anyone. Yes, the goal is to be gray haired, holding hands in the rocking chairs. When we vow in sickness and in health, until death do us part, we intend for that to be as long as possible. There are so many amazing couples who get to make it to old age where the conversation may seem more “natural.” However, you can’t wait for a certain age or anniversary milestone to start talking about it. For some, it comes unexpectedly much earlier. Think of this conversation as a way to care for your spouse when you’re gone. The loss of a spouse is painful and difficult whether you were married for one year or fifty years. Loss at any life stage will have its own unique challenges and impacts. Having this conversation, and documenting it, is a gift. (One you hopefully wont need for a long, long time).
There were many moments and conversations in the months leading up to Bubba’s death that prepared us for his loss in ways I didn’t realize until after he was gone. While gaming with a couple friends just months before, one of the guys was talking about a family members passing which led to Bubba talking about what would happen if he or I died. He told them that if he died, he knew I would be able to handle it but he would want his friends to make sure I was taken care of. He also said if I passed away he would be completely lost. I’ve thought about that a lot since those friends told me about that conversation, and he was right. Now, I know the church and my friends and family would have surrounded him and the kids just like they did for me. But the day to day home stuff? What bills are due and when, how to pay them, insurance, online passwords, kids social security numbers. There’s so much I did that wasn’t written down and aside from the emotional turmoil he would have faced I truly cant imagine how lost he would have felt if the roles were reversed.
Another unique challenge of unexpected sickness and loss at a young age may include taking care of young children at home, the feeding, schooling, medical care and other hands on tasks in this stage of life that you’ve shared is now solely your responsibility. (More on that in a separate post). Additionally, you are much more likely to have parents now involved in the process in a way they wouldn’t be if we were 80 years old like you had hoped and planned.
When Bubba got sick, we had been together for over ten years, so we had had plenty of conversations about our wishes. All of the decisions I had to make, from medical care to burial, I made in full confidence knowing his heart and wishes, knowing that we were one flesh and I I knew him best. Unfortunately, we didn’t have anything written down. Now, we didn’t have any assets that had to be divided or anything like that but it still made some aspects of that process more difficult than if I had something signed or typed by him to back me up. Your spouse is your dearest friend who always has your back, having your wishes written down continues that after you’re gone.
So what do you need to talk about?
Have you ever left for a work trip or vacation while your spouse stayed home with the kids? Think about everything you had to write down. That’s a great place to start! Have the basic important information written or typed and in a shared, known location. I don’t know if it’s the most digitally secure but I having a locked note on your phone is one easily accessible source.
Accounts and passwords: Think of EVERYTHING you have a log in for. Bills, emails, bank, social media, school lunch. I didn’t have Bubba’s Facebook or email password and it took me nearly two years to get his Facebook sorted out.
Physical documents: Can your spouse locate your marriage certificate? The deed to your house and titles to your vehicles? Make sure these are safe, accessible, and known.
Basic information: Even if it seems super obvious. The grief/trauma fog is very real, so having all the basics such as the adults and kids birthdays and social security numbers is vital when you need access to it often in the beginning stages with all of the paperwork.
Medical wishes: You can ask a medical professional or lawyer for more information on what all needs to be included and what to do to make this legit and legal. I would start with just having the conversation regarding matters of medical care and treatment such as resuscitation and being kept alive on machines. And again I want to stress, write or type it! I could recall and repeat countless conversations on the matter but it was never formally (or even informally) written down.
Burial wishes: Bubba shared his burial wishes often and I, and even our closest friends, knew them well. Whether they’re young and you have parents expressing their wishes or they’re older and you have adult children in the decision making process, it is ultimately the decision of the widow/widower. Having your wishes written down is a gift to all of your family and can (hopefully) help alleviate debate and disagreement.
A letter: Obviously this part is much more emotional and personal than everything else on the list. When you lose your spouse, you find yourself searching and longing for their voice. Old voicemails, texts, videos, each one is so precious. Depending on where you are in your grief journey (which is ever evolving), they can bring comfort or pain, or a bit of both, depending on the day. This entire post is about serving, loving, and graciously gifting your spouse some peace in the event that you go first. A letter could be something so comforting and helpful in that process. For me personally, my letter would be filled with memories as well as giving my spouse “permissions,” and adding in some of my personality. “Hey, keep some clothes and make cool memories with them if you and the kids want them, but you know me, I love Goodwill! When you’re ready, give it to Goodwill!” “You have loved and served me so well! We did it, we completed our vows, I am in the arms of Jesus and you’ll be here in the blink of an eye for me. I know it will seem like forever for you, so don’t let me keep you from moving forward! If you want to date, I’m not going to haunt you or anything. You have so much love to give. But hey, if you never date that’s ok too. You’re whole and you’re amazing on your own.”
This isn’t an exhaustive list, each couple’s needs will vary based on age, life stage, family dynamics, finances, and beliefs. Mine is based on my experience and obviously geared heavily towards younger widows/widowers with children. There are many lists available online from funeral homes or attorneys, who see first hand how often misunderstandings can occur after the loss of a loved one. I do hope it helps you and your spouse with a place to start, and I hope it isn’t needed for many, many years to come.
The Neon W 
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