Dolly Parton passed away this week; it’s one of those celebrity deaths that feels personal to people because so many were touched by her legacy despite never meeting her. In our house, this of course lead to some deep conversations.

It’s incredible to look back over the last five years and see how my kids’ views, questions, and thoughts around death have evolved as they continue to grow and change. One thing that hasn’t changed: Wednesday’s big conversation happened where the majority of our big theological conversations happen: the minivan. This time we were headed home from school and the country radio was playing back to back Dolly as a tribute.

Michael (11): You know, I was thinking, it seems like some people must die on purpose.

Me: What do you mean? (Assuming he just worded it weird)

Michael: Like how if Daddy Bubba never died, Olivia would have never been born.

Me: Ah, so you mean sometimes there’s a reason why people die. Well, yes. But remember, why do we even have death in the world?

Michael: Sin.

Me: Exactly, so it wasn’t God’s original design for us to have to deal with death, but sin brought us sickness and death. Which really is why Daddy Bubba died. But what’s great is that yes, He does bring good out of the bad things! Like Olivia!

Michael: Oh yea. Or like how Jelly Roll used to make a lot of bad choices but now he sings about how he found God and changed what he does.

Me: Yea that’s a good example, in that case some of the bad things were happening because of his choices, like going to jail. Which happens, and yes God can absolutely still bring good out of that too! The Bible says He has plans for our good and His glory.

Michael: Hmm. Ok that’s good to know! Hey so at recess today we were playing soccer…

And as is often the case, we move right on. As we continued home, after the song Joshua played, Michael asked if Dolly ever sang any Christian music. I pulled up a personal favorite of mine and Bubba: God Only Knows by For King and Country, featuring Dolly Parton. When this song was released I remember it feeling as if it was written by Bubba or for Bubba, it would bring tears to my eyes.

Now the song has a whole new meaning. I have tried to share so much of my heart on this blog, but God only knows all the conversations and unspoken words from the past five years in our house. I assure you not every minivan chat has gone like this one. And yet, this song also reminds me of all that Bubba dealt with on Earth, how only God knew how He would ultimately heal Bubba fully by bringing him into eternity. Only God knew what good He would bring from the bad. God only knows what the future holds for my kids. And as you read through the lyrics or listen, it’s a reminder of these stories that God only knows. A reminder on the hard days, or hard years, that there’s a kind of love offered to us that God only knows.

---

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’
Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it’s killing you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
But God only knows the real you
‘Cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows
There’s a kind of love that
There’s a kind of love

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If you’re a widow or widower, we are forever on a journey of grieving the loss of a spouse as the kids grieve the loss of a parent. I’m always so careful with what I share publicly about my kids’ own grief journeys, but I also know how much I sought out stories of kids who lost their parents or other widowed parents who had it figured out (spoiler alert, no one has it all figured out). I just wanted to know that we could be ok in one year, five years, ten years!

Not every conversation about death and heaven with kids is sweet or simple. They’re often heavy, jarring, unexpected, and without a clear answer.

One of the best, most practical pieces of advice would be to keep your replies simple.

“What do you mean?”

“Tell me more.”

“What do you think?”

And remember you don’t have to have the answers! Focus on the heart of what they’re saying instead of finding a solution.

Be humble and honest.

“I’m not sure.”

“We can look together and see what the Bible says.”

“I don’t think anyone knows that answer.”

“I’ve wondered that too.”

Erik Erickson, a development Psychologist, said, “Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death.” Don’t be afraid of the conversation. The whiplash. Take heart in the fact that your kids feel safe sharing their messy thoughts, fears, and questions. When we allow them to talk about death without shame or fear, they learn alongside us how to enjoy this time on earth, this broken time between the garden of Eden and the renewed garden of Jesus’ return, this time where we have the opportunity and the call to share this hope we have.

God only knows what you’re going through as you process the hard, scary, heartbreaking conversations through the years.

God only knows what you’ve been through.

God only knows the thoughts and fears of your heart.

God only knows your kids’ future.

God only knows what Heaven really has in store.

And there’s a kind of love out there waiting for you that God only knows