Grieving doesn’t come with a check list, a certificate of completion, or a gold medal. It’s never perfected or finished on this side of eternity. It evolves. We move forward with it. However, sometimes after certain losses there are actual check lists and tasks that have to be done. My goal early on was to do the things I had to do first and figure out the other stuff later. You don’t normally have a visual representation of your healing process, but sometimes you do. For me, it was this dining room. From August 2021 to July 2022, my grief piled high. All the to do’s of caring for a sick spouse, the to do’s following their death, being a single parent, working full time…this was the room that I didn’t have time or energy to deal with. Papers. Cards. Pictures. Drawings. Books. Crafts. Bags. Boxes. Mail. Not all was related to the grief itself, a lot of it just piled on after long days and the short evening time that was available.

Little by little I put things away, threw things away, boxed things up, and gave things away. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t quick. At first I couldn’t work on it for long periods of time without feeling so overwhelmed that I started to feel light headed or dizzy. Usually the entire rest of the house could be spotless except this one area, that everyone had to walk past. At times it was like visual white noise that I didn’t even notice but other times it just felt like the visual representation of grief and chaos and I felt embarrassed and shamed.

I married my sweet husband Jacob in August 2022. He would often offer to help but I always felt like it had to be me, I had hundreds of tiny decisions on what to keep and what was trash. I know full well the importance of asking for and accepting help but this task just wasn’t one for me to share. I knew it was hard for him to come into a home that had this mess that he didn’t make but he also couldn’t clean, that cluttered his mind and definitely wasn’t the same white noise it was for me. Thankfully he was gentle and patient with my process.

Eventually, I had the time and made the emotional space to start. I would sit cross legged on the floor and go through one pile at a time, often tearing up or maybe smiling at old cards, invitations, and photos. I threw out stuff that, yes, could have been tossed months prior. My goal was to complete it before the new year, and though it seemed impossible as it crept closer, on December 31st I decided to stick to my word and just be done, have it behind me. With hours left in 2022, I did it! We now have a calm and clean place to sit and eat dinner without having to move piles around. I can invite people over without feeling embarrassed. What a weight lifted.

I had another “grief pile” on my bedroom dresser that I cleaned and posted about a few months ago, my sweet widow sister community responded and some of them had boxes and things they’d not touched in decades! This is why we don’t do life alone, why we tell our stories, why we link arms with those who are experiencing similar pain stories. So to my sisters and brothers, remember to be gentle with yourself and be proud of yourself. Remember that there is no right way, no one way, no exact timeline. You’re doing the best with what you’ve got, friend. Love yourself well!

“Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭68‬:‭5‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Did you have a box, room, or task that you had a difficult time completing?

Questions pop up from this post? Look out for a future post about cleaning after the loss of your spouse, my widowhood story, my love story with Jacob, parenting, and so much more!