There’s no doubt music has a profound influence on our emotions. Music serves as an outlet for people to express themselves, to heal, and to create in unique ways that ordinary words just can’t. As long as music has existed humans have used it to convey their feelings and tell their stories. So often music can act like a fire, sometimes in a fireplace, powerful, comforting, where the boundary of the fireplace keeps it contained, and where you can feed the flame or quench it as you please. Early in my grief journey though, music felt more like a loose spark that ignited a forest. Ok, I know that may sound dramatic. But you see, I’ve realized that for me, I didn’t mind the grief I could see coming, it was when it came at unexpected or inconvenient times and places that I especially despised it early on…and music seemed to be a constant trigger for unwelcome feelings.

In those first couple of months, it felt like every kids movie had dead parents and every country song was about someone you loved who was dead! Truth be told, I think I stopped listening to country music for about a year. (If this is the first blog of mine you’ve read, my late husband’s name was Bubba, so you can imagine that he and I listened to quite a bit of country music). It wasn’t just the songs about death though, it was any of the songs that meant a lot to us, together, that would get me too.

Bubba played guitar and sang, and music was a huge part of our relationship, from car rides, to concerts, to countless parties at the house and everything in between. I couldn’t avoid music forever. I’ve been on this grief journey two years now and I’m much more comfortable with the sneak attack emotions, including the ones from songs. Most of the time now, they make me chuckle or smile. Other times, I may shed a couple tears or full on sob, and I’m ok with that. There was also still songs I just skip! Every person grieves in different ways and in non linear paths. Perhaps you went to music as a way to heal, perhaps music seemed to add to the painful memories. One of the great things about music is that it connects people. I hope that by sharing my connection to music and mourning you’ll feel more seen, more understood, and less alone. Here are just some of the songs that are woven in with my grief journey.

Songs that I skip

John Deere Green– Joe Diffie: When Bubba was in the hospital and I couldn’t go up to see him I wrote “Melissa loves Bubba” in green on a poster to hold up from the parking lot so he could see it from his hospital room. It’s a pretty specific and painful memory, sometimes I can sing along and appreciate it, most of the time I just change the station.

Songs that make me smile

Bubba Shot the Jukebox-Mark Chesnutt: This song always makes me smile now, it seems to come on at the most random times and it’s a goofy, like he was, and I hear his name over and over.

Any Garth Brooks song: We were massive fans, and especially because Garth’s music is not on Spotify, every time he comes on the radio it feels like a treat and I always use it as an opportunity to tell the kids it was one of Daddy Bubba’s favorites. Admittedly, there are a couple of his songs that can definitely be in the cry category, like The Dance or If Tomorrow Never Comes, but more often then not it makes me really excited.

Prop Me up Beside the Jukebox-Joe Diffie: I know, there’s a theme with the jukebox apparently. Admittedly it probably would seem morbid to those on the outside. However, after all of the conversations about our wishes (see my last post about that), when this song comes on I chuckle and think of him.

Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)-Gary Allen: Bubba loved this song. It brought him comfort after our friend died in 2012, he even learned it on guitar. So when it comes on I smile because it feels like a gentle nudge reminding me that it will be ok, “Just like every dark night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away. Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain”

Songs that make me cry

I Cross my Heart-George Strait: This was our wedding song. Aside from the memory of our first dance, each lyric seems like it could have been penned by Bubba himself. There’s a line in the song that says, “And as long as there’s a breath in me, I’ll make yours just as sweet.” I get happy and sad tears every time I hear it now, knowing it was a promise he truly kept.

Never Alone-Lady A: This was in our wedding as well, in the ceremony. Like the previous song, the lyrics mean more now than they did back then.

“Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted
I’m not gonna promise that cold winds won’t blow
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you’re never alone

Never alone, never alone
I’ll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown”

Call Me Irresponsible-Michael Bublé: I had this CD when Bubba and I dated, I honestly hadn’t thought much of it until I decided to play Michael Bublé the other night on the Alexa while I cooked, and I found myself weeping so unexpectedly. The music instantly transported me to flashes of singing these songs in my room, my old car, our first apartment. I remember singing it when I first bought the CD and Bubba told me how good my singing voice was. I was so self conscious of my voice, but he loved it. He loved when I sang Michael Bible especially and often encouraged me to sing more.

Graves into Garden-Elevation Worship: This was played at his funeral, I picked it out. Each line of the song seemed so fitting. The first several months after his funeral, any time it played at church or on the radio I’d experience a wave of anxiety that would consume my mind so much I’d have to sit or pause. I can listen to it again and do still love the lyrics, I get tears that come from a place of a mix of sadness, joy, and peace.

“You turn mourning to dancing
You give beauty for ashes
You turn shame into glory
You’re the only one who can”

A song that summarized my journey

Firm Foundation- Cody Carnes: This song beautifully describes that back and fourth of joy and mourning, chaos and peace, that I talk about so much.

“I’ve still got joy in chaos
I’ve got peace that makes no sense
So I won’t be going under
I’m not held by my own strength

‘Cause I’ve built my life on Jesus
He’s never let me down
He’s faithful in every season
So why would He fail now?

He won’t
He won’t
He won’t fail
He won’t fail”

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I want to hear from you. In your grief journey, was music a source of healing or pain? Or a complicated mixture of the two?

Let me know in the comments.