“I’m going to have to either be single for the rest of my life or start dating again!” This realization a week after Bubba’s passing felt heavy and nauseating as I wept. Even though the friend who was with me assured me that I didn’t have to worry about that right then, I couldn’t avoid the thought. I couldn’t control the wave of emotions, memories, or decisions, both immediate and future, that snuck up on me at the most inconvenient times. Neither of these options felt like a good one. I was a 30 year old widow with two kids, what was I supposed to do, go on the apps? Who would ever want me again? Did I want to be wanted by anyone other than Bubba?
I’ve always been very independent, probably to a fault. So as for the other option, I have no doubt I could have been “just fine” on my own for the next sixty years. That’s not how God works though. As the apostle Paul pointed out, in our areas of weakness He is made strong. He gets the glory when we aren’t able to give ourselves the credit, when the only explanation is Him. So learning to trust and be dependent upon others, to be vulnerable, that was what He had for my story.
Over the years I’ve created quite the community and network of widows and widowers and each one’s story is so unique. So whether you stay single, date around awhile, try dating and change your mind, get married soon after or decades after…your story matters and is unique to you and there isn’t one “right” way to do this.
This is my story.
Jacob was a good friend of Bubba’s. They had actually known each other through church for years and then in recent years began to play video games together and become close friends. Jacob had been to our house for parties and we had all been to his house for dinner. When Bubba passed, Jacob was one of those friends who was absolutely crushed. Early on, we were texting, and in a moment of simply talking to a friend I typed words that turned out to mean something much different than I could have ever imagined, “..if one of the miracles I’ve been praying for is THIS version of Jacob, I can not WAIT to see it. I’m glad his [Bubba’s] words to himself meant so much to you. And God will bring good, l have no doubt in my mind about that, and my hope is anchored in Him. But it wasn’t supposed to be this way, it just wasn’t, sin when it entered affects even at the cellular level…. but I know and you know about the truth and victory.”
Early on it truly was nothing more than a friendship for both of us. The best way I can think to describe it is as if there was a veil over both our eyes, hearts, and minds until the time was right. About a month after Bubba passed, my son really wanted to learn how to play Minecraft and I wasn’t able to help so I asked Jacob to show him and in return I’d feed him dinner. He came over and the kids had a blast and I got to hang out with a friend. The veil hadn’t been lifted yet. After that, we continued to text from time to time and hang out at church, and then one day, the veil began to lift.
We got to know each other more and more. All of a sudden, as I was helping him discover who he was and who he wanted to be and who he wanted to be with, I couldn’t imagine anyone being good enough for that role. Did that mean it would be…me?
Etched in my mind is the vivid memory of driving down the street in front of a Kroger, having a conversation out loud in my van as if God were sitting in there with me in the passenger seat. I asked Him if this was ok. “Surely it’s not, right?! But I don’t feel like it’s wrong… it just feels like it’s supposed to feel wrong? I don’t feel like you’re telling me it’s wrong?? What do I do?” I begged Him to make it obvious, I begged Him to take the feelings away from Jacob if it wasn’t supposed to be. That way he wouldn’t be crushed. Then I thought well maybe I’m crazy and he doesn’t even have feelings. Either way, I knew I could figure it out and be fine but I didn’t want him to be hurt. But… I didn’t get a no, instead I felt peace.
What a gift Jacob was, he gave me permission to be a version of myself, and love that version of myself, that I’d never really been. He was adventurous, smart, and fun! Our differences complemented each other. He was passionate, introverted, fiery, accepting, and competitive and he often brought those same qualities out in me. There was this new version of myself that I didn’t always like that he was falling in love with?
What a gift, that he was friends with Bubba. Him being friends with Bubba meant I didn’t have to explain what I went through or who I was married to before. I didn’t feel guilt or shame in talking about my late spouse to my new love. He was able to join me in keeping Bubba’s memory alive with the kids. He had his own stories to add and share. The dreaded idea of putting myself and my kids out there and dating strangers wasn’t going to have to happen!
What a gift to be able to talk like a giddy teenage girl to my friends, to say “Soooo there’s this boy.”
What a gift, to have found love twice in my lifetime.
On one particularly difficult day, after a series of intense and (difficult) conversations with those who didn’t like where this was going, I reached out to a mentor. I opened myself up and asked her to call out sin if that’s what it was. We talked and talked, she challenged me to seek Gods Word and wisdom and assured me that just because something is allowed doesn’t meant it’s best but also just because something looks unusual doesn’t mean it’s wrong. She pointed me to the story of Ruth, and Boaz the family redeemer.
I knew then, I was going to continue to be led by the spirit, not by my feelings or someone else’s. I knew there was no confusion in Him. I knew that regardless of where this was going to go this was the current chapter in my story. I knew that there was a man who loved me despite all my flaws and baggage. He loved my children. He loved the Lord. I knew there was a man who wasn’t there to rescue me, he wasn’t trying to be a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress but he was there to be by my side and ask “What do you need?” “How can I help?” as the Lord rescued and redeemed our family.
This whole thing was unexpected.
This was a twice in a lifetime love.
This was the beginning of a beautiful new chapter.
The Neon W 
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