Supporting your widowed friend or family member who is in a new relationship
“You honor a man by the way you treat his widow” – John Armor
“This is sinful.” “I don’t trust you.” “You must have been cheating before he died.” “You are looking for a rescuer.” “You know your husband just died, right?” “I wish I could get over his death as quick as you.” “It’s him or me.” “You can replace him but we can’t.”
These are just some of the things I heard when I was beginning to date my now husband, Jacob, after becoming a widow. There’s space for forgiveness, healing, and grace for the things hurt people do and say. I don’t share this out of bitterness, but out of a need for greater empathy in this area. I haven’t shared this part of my widow story, but as the years separate some of these initial remarks, I feel it’s necessary if it helps just one other widow feel seen and heard.
I shared in my last post the beautiful story of how my husband, Jacob, and I fell in love after the loss of my late husband, Bubba. It’s a beautiful story of redemption and grace, but like all stories, there’s an ugly side as well.
Here are my thoughts regarding assumptions about widows who are dating or remarried. I don’t speak for all widows, this is from my experience.
Moving forward is not the same as moving on.
There seems to be this idea that when a widow or widower begins to date that they’ve moved on. My grief didn’t end when I began to date. I wasn’t all of a sudden over the death of my husband nor was I trying to rush the grieving process by distracting myself with dating. Life seems to pause when you have a spouse that’s sick and when they pass. Pressing play on life and moving forward for the widow can be difficult and it happens in many ways besides dating. Moving forward and enjoying life can feel strange and even bring feelings of guilt, without any added pressure or judgement from the outside. Moving forward is not moving on, it’s not forgetting, it’s not replacing. We move forward, living our new lives, with grief still there, with our memories still there.
Different isn’t Wrong
There is no one right way to date after the loss of your spouse. Your spouse dying was never part of your plan and it’s always going to be part of who you are. You didn’t PLAN on ever dating again while you were with that person! Yet here you are. Whether you date soon after or never again, there’s nothing normal about being a widow. It is different, and it won’t make sense to everyone else. However, different doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad!
I haven’t forgotten
People who didn’t agree with me dating so soon felt it necessary to remind me my husband had just died, as if I’d lost my mind or intentionally chose to ignore that fact. I didn’t need the reminder. I knew it every second of every day. I was the one who was in an empty bed every night, tucking in kids alone. I was the one with the neon new title “widow.” I was still in the house we built together, deciding what to change, what to put away, what to keep out. All of these decisions deeply personal and varying for each widow’s journey. I could never forget the years spent with Bubba, and I didn’t want to. I could never forget the months of sickness and suffering! Choosing to date in no way took away from the memories of my late husband. I worked diligently to write things down and set things aside and create things to honor and preserve his memory, as painful as that process may have been at times.
New love doesn’t diminish old love
Another predominant belief is that new love somehow means you didn’t really love your late spouse or that you’re betraying them. How could you have really loved them and then move on so fast? First, I faithfully honored and fulfilled my wedding vows to my spouse from sickness and health all the way until death do us part. I certainly didn’t expect or plan for that last part to be just 9 years after our vows. That covenant has been fulfilled on this earth and marrying again is no way an indication of a lesser love.
When I was pregnant with our second child, I struggled with how I was going to love them the way I loved my first, but when she entered the world my capacity to love grew. When my heart was ready to love romantically again, it felt as if the love in my heart multiplied, it didn’t divide or subtract.
New love doesn’t replace old love
There isn’t a hidden agenda for the widow to marry and simply replace their late spouse or fill a void. There was this idea that the kids and I were lucky enough to be able to find a replacement that others could not. Just because there was a new spouse, a new Dad, didn’t take away the fact that I lost a husband and the kids lost a Dad. That truth, that pain, those changes, those memories…they would never go away. If a parent loses a child and later decides to have another child, would anyone dare suggest that that child was a replacement? That they somehow were any less or any greater than the other? (If so, that person needs to reevaluate some things)
Don’t feed lies or rumors.
There was rumor that Jacob and I had been a thing before Bubba died. The rumors were completely unfounded and disrespectful to not only me and Jacob, but to Bubba. I know the rumors came from hurt people, trying to make sense of something that they could never understand. In any case, just because it doesn’t make sense to you, doesn’t mean you have to fabricate details to justify your pain so please be mindful when you hear things to consider the source and whether or not the information is true and whether or not it’s necessary or honoring to share with others.
It’s not the easy way
I wasn’t looking for an easy way to fix the loneliness. I can assure you that dating and marrying after loss is anything but easy. Opening my heart to love again, to marry again, means I’ve set myself up to lose that love again. When I vowed “until death do us part” the first time; it seemed so far away I never really gave it much thought. Vowing “until death do us part” a second time, was spoken with a lump in my throat and a maturity, depth, and knowledge of what those words truly meant. Navigating relationship dynamics and parenting after loss has its own challenges for the widow, the couple, and the family.
Support, don’t judge.
The decision to date or not after losing your spouse is deeply personal and unique. People will have their opinions, and are entitled to such, but His truth trumps all and when I stand before Him I’m only accountable for my own words and actions.
Each time I told someone about Jacob I felt like a dog flinching as it anticipates getting hit by the newspaper. But as much judgement as I may have experienced, I had many more wonderful experiences with amazing friends, mentors, and family who supported me through the process of love after loss. They didn’t have to fully understand it to offer an ear to listen. I am forever grateful to those who cheered me on. I am forever grateful to those who challenged me and encouraged me.
My parents told me they had already been talking and praying about when this day would come. They told me that whether it was a day or a decade after, whether it worked out or turned out to be a horrible mistake, they loved me unconditionally.
Some of the best encouragement I received was when I specifically asked a mentor to talk through this decision. She urged me to ask God, “What’s on your heart for me?” and “Help me handle this with care!” She listened, she pointed me to Truth, she prayed for me, she asked me questions…and importantly, she trusted and believed my responses.
For the widow and for their community of friends and families, let’s have an abundance of grace, compassion, and love for one another as we move forward.
The Neon W 
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