What to Gift my Grieving Friend

From the time Bubba was in the hospital and for months after, we were loved in so many unique ways. As I’ve mentioned over and over again, the Church stepped up as the radiant Bride of Christ and faithfully followed the command to love the widow and the fatherless. I want to share from our experience what gifts were the most loved, the most useful, and the most given.

Who are you helping? Is this a friend? A relative? Is this a stranger, church member, or acquaintance whose story you heard are you want to help? Take the relationship into consideration as you read through the tips and ideas!

Tips

When giving gifts to a grieving person – whether that be items, your time, or anything else – keep in mind a couple things.

Tip #1 – We are already sorting through the clutter and chaos of our homes, deciding what to keep, what to toss, what to deal with right now, and what to put off for another day or decade because it’s too emotionally taxing. So sometimes a well meaning gift can feel like added clutter.

Tip #2 – Avoid making assumptions or statements with your gift, especially if you aren’t super close to someone but want to give them a gift to express your condolences. I was handed a book at my husband’s funeral. I couldn’t even tell you who handed it to me. While I have no doubt the mysterious giver (they didn’t give it anonymously, I just genuinely don’t remember) meant it as a kind gesture, I remember feeling hurt by the title of the book. You also don’t want to assume what someone believes if you aren’t certain. For example, because I know Bubba didn’t become an angel or a cardinal, it was something that when I received any related gift I didn’t really know what to do with. I know a lot of people find comfort in those-just something to consider that even though you do doesn’t mean someone else does.

Tip #3- Consider checking with a trusted person close to the individual you are wanting to help. For me, I jokingly referred to my Dad as my project manager during that time in my life. My parents were vital to this process and helped with holding large sums of money I was given, managing people who wanted to help, and even keeping some of those extra items if I didn’t have the physical or emotional space until I was ready. If I was overwhelmed, even with help, I would often ask people to just talk to my Dad. Decision fatigue is very real in the early stages of loss so I needed that safe person to put that type of stuff on. While my parents were still grieving the loss of their son-in-law, I knew they had my best interest in mind and had clear enough minds to handle helping me manage all that was coming in.

Tip #4- Don’t expect a thank you card or even a text. I get it, especially in the south it’s an expected response. However, when you are experiencing a great loss, your mind is in a fog, and on top of the physical and mental impact grief has, you have a new to do list a mile long, so something as simple as a thank you may be forgotten. It doesn’t mean they didn’t receive it or didn’t love it!

Tip #5-When in doubt, money is the way to go, it helps to alleviate the financial burdens during hospitalizations or following loss and big life change. I’ve also heard so many stories of people overwhelming families with their physical presence, sending money via Venmo, GoFundMe, or a check is a great way to support someone who you aren’t extremely close to without inserting yourself.

If you don’t have a lot of money to give, you can give in many other unique ways. I believe many people naturally love others with their own giftings and love languages, which inspired me to break this down into those categories below.

Ideas

Gift Giving

“For some people, receiving a heartfelt gift is what makes them feel most loved.”¹

Blankets
- We received a comical amount of blankets. My favorites were the weighted blankets for me and the kids and a couple of the really fuzzy ones. Cheap blankets and blankets with quotes about loss felt like that added clutter I was talking about though.
Empty Journals
- I was gifted so so many empty journals. Most of them ended up going to the kids to be able to draw or write in. Some I used for work. Some I tried to actually journal in but got really overwhelmed. I do love a good journal and I think it’s a great gift, especially if you see one that really makes you think of that person.
Jewelry
- Some of my most treasured gifts were two necklaces from Dear Mushka. They were subtle and came from close friends. They honored the journey I was going through more than focusing on the loss specifically, which I appreciated.
- I also received one of those cool necklaces you may have seen on social media where you can look through and see a photo.
Books
- I’m really not a book person to begin with. When I do read a book I often feel like I have to do everything the book tells me to and the fact that I wasn’t already means I’ve been doing it all wrong (hello, enneagram 1). Not to mention I didn’t have much time to read. So give books with caution, referring back to my tips on how well you know the person.
- We were gifted a ton of children’s books which I greatly appreciated! Some were parenting books on walking through grief with kids and other were children books. I have a previous post that includes many of the books we loved!
Toys
- The kids got so many toys that at times I think it was confusing for them. It was exciting to get toys, what kid doesn’t want new toys, but confusing that they were getting gifts for something bad rather than something good like a birthday or holiday.
Activities
- As a mom, I much preferred the activities the kids were gifted! Outdoor games and art supplies were my favorites.
Knickknacks
- I know there are people who love receiving little knickknacks related to loss of a loved one but I was not one of them. Cardinals, angels, crosses. Going back to the personal preference, I personally was already going through the countless knickknacks of my very messy, (undiagnosed) ADHD, late husband. I would much rather display or keep something that he enjoyed in life rather than something that just reminded me of his death. Again, personal preference, no judgement on those who do like that type of stuff.
Baskets
- I loved when someone would give a gift inside something that could be practically used like a decorative basket, a plastic tote, or a laundry basket!
Unique & personal gifts
- My favorite gifts of all were the pillows and bears that a family friend made out of Bubba’s shirts! She was kind enough to do them for free. People charge a LOT of money to make those type of things, so you could ask and offer to pay for something like that. I have some items of Bubba’s I’ve had in a bin for over two years because I want to make them into a quilt but quilts are really expensive and I just haven’t found the right person who can do it.
Gift cards
- Gift cards were absolute life savers. They saved a lot money and mental energy. You can give so many different types of gift cards to help alleviate the various strains. Food gift cards were great for when the meal train went away and I still needed to feed myself and the kids. I also used food gift cards a lot for lunch so that it was one less thing I had to do now that the morning routine was all on me. If you aren’t sure of a specific place, DoorDash or GrubHub are great options. You can also do Kroger, Amazon, or Walmart.
Subscriptions & Services
- It could really go with this category and acts of service because you’re paying for a gift but also meeting a practical need. Services can include cleaning services, nails, salt therapy, massage. Subscriptions can include meal deliveries like Hello Fresh or grocery deliveries like Instacart or Shipt. My mother in law set up Hello Fresh for us for several months and we loved it!
Food
- This is sort of a combination or gifts and service. I have a whole post about tips on meal trains!

Acts of Service

“For these people, actions speak louder than words.”

Special skills
- I mentioned the bears and pillows in the gifts section. That friend loved us through her act of service, I know it took a great amount of skill and time to make those! If you have a special skill like sewing or art, consider that! Do you work in a trade? Can you offer help with a vehicle or HVAC tune up? Someone even helped us convert our garage to a bonus room and build a back deck.
Cleaning
- You can offer to clean or pay a professional. I had friends and family who were very helpful in cleaning. Sometimes when it was a friend or family though I felt embarrassed, rushed, or pressured to make certain decisions I wasn’t ready for. One woman who I knew from social media, and previously going to the same church, came over and cleaned and it was so nice having someone neutral.
Yard Work
- Someone created a sign up genius and had people mow my yard every weekend for about two months. Another friend paid to have a giant, dangerous tree cut down. Another friend hired landscapers to redo my front yard! My primary love language is acts of service, so these types of things meant the world to me.
Baby sitting
- I was so thankful to have my parents close who could watch the kids for me, giving me nights by myself to recover. I also had friends available to pick up the kids from school. Suddenly becoming a single parent is extremely overwhelming and there is so much that has to be arranged, having people help with the kids was vital.
Running errands
- The to do list after loss seems a mile long. There’s a lot that can’t be passed on to someone else, but it was very helpful when people would offer to help in practical ways like running to the grocery store or something.

Quality Time

“This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.”

Quality time looks different for everyone! The emphasis is that word quality, introverts may need more alone time to recharge from the influx of people, extroverts may need time with friends to recharge from the new loneliness.
Sitting on the couch in the silence, sitting by a bonfire listening to music, bringing some ice cream, or sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and playing card games. I personally loved sitting and watching Great British Bake off with friends. It was wholesome and mindless in the best way.
Your friends who used to love going out may not feel up to it, don’t give up and don’t stop inviting. If your love language is quality time and your grieving friend is struggling to connect like they did before, be patient, kind, and gracious.

Words of Affirmation

“This language uses words to affirm other people.”

Knowing what to say is hard, but we know how impactful words are in building one another up. You can affirm the hard work of a widow through a well meaning text, or because the focus here is gift giving, you can write a hand written card or letter!

Physical Touch

“To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.”

While this isn’t technically a gift, I had to complete the love languages. Some people may long for a hug, a gentle rub on the back while they cry, or a hand to hold. Physical touch is a weird one for me. It’s always been my lowest, I’m not a big hugger at all. However, my late husband was the king of hugs and physical touch so it was something I missed when he was gone. I usually prefer to reserve my hugs for those I’m close to. Then there are people like Bubba, or our son Michael, who can’t seem to ever have enough hugs! If you aren’t sure, make sure to check body language or just ask!

https://5lovelanguages.com/learn ↩︎

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

As much as I stress giving those who are grieving grace, I want to conclude this post by saying that we all need grace. Even though I’ve lived through losing my spouse, I still don’t always know what to do or say in response to someone’s loss. Let’s be quick to forgive ourselves for past mistakes in this area, for the times when we didn’t know better or when we thought we were helping. Let’s bear with those who mean well and forgive when they hurt us. And lastly let’s be intentional in doing better as we have opportunities down the road to love a grieving friend.