It’s September 19th. This should be Bubbas 34th birthday. It is instead his fourth birthday he’s spent in heaven. Undoubtedly he’s enjoying it in the presence of perfection and peace Himself. While I’m still here in between the gardens… I normally try to avoid photos from this time of year. However, last night I found myself staying up late watching old videos of Bubba with my daughter, laughing so hard we were in tears until our tears turned into sad, missing, longing tears. So today, I carried on in the momentum and braved the search of this day in history. I was quickly reminded of this date four years ago, not that I actually need reminded, it always lies in my preconscious, like a bug flying in your periphery that you try to ignore in vein. In my camera roll are images of a random black vehicle and a police officers business card, from when I rear ended a woman while on my way to the hospital. There’s an image of a version of myself I hardly recognize, exhausted beyond measure and underweight, holding our two smiling children. Another photo from this day showed a rainbow over our house, a reminder of Gods promises. As I continued to scroll, sorting through the wreckage of that wretched year, I came upon a poem I typed into my phone. It was 10:38, “penned” no doubt as I laid alone in bed, unable to sleep, awaiting the next phone call from a nurse and awaiting the permission, from my own restless mind, to drift into sleep. So in honor of this birthday and in anticipation of the anniversary coming up in a few days, I wanted to share this with the world.

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I’m here –Sep 9th, 2021

I’m here waiting.

Waiting by the phone for you to be rested enough to speak. Waiting to hear your voice again.

I’m here waiting.

I’ve cleaned all the dirty laundry. I’m waiting for you to spill some sauce, to get grease on your pants. I’m ready to pull a flashlight and twelve screws out of the dryer.

I’m here waiting. 

I talk to your gaming friends at night for you. I don’t know what they’re talking about most the time. But I fall asleep to their chatter like I do so many nights to you playing. 

I’m here waiting. 

I’m waiting for couch cuddles. The kids and I miss your cuddles. Michael said he’ll be the cuddler until you get back home. 

I’m here waiting. 

Don’t worry, everyone has taken really good care of us. I haven’t had to cook dinner in weeks. 

I’m here waiting.

We go to the parking lot every day. There a lot of Pokémon there, I’m learning a lot about their evolutions, so you better watch out or I’ll be the Pokémon master in this house. 

I’m here waiting.

Waiting to belly laugh with you again, to play D&D, to sit at a bon fire with you, to steal your French fries. 

I’m here waiting. 

I’m here waiting.

I’m here praying.

I’m here worshiping.

I’m here believing. 

I’ve told you many times that my life wasn’t built on you, that you aren’t the one holding us up or holding us together. You can’t let us down. You haven’t let us down. God has continued to hold us in His righteous right hand and He’s holding you. I love you, I want you, I choose you, I miss you.

I’m here waiting. 

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I’m still here– September 19th, 2025

I’m still here waiting.

Now I am here on this side of heaven while you wait on the other side, for what will feel like eternity for me but in true eternity for you it will be but a breath.

I’m still here. Cuddling, answering the kids’ questions, looking through old photos, laughing at old videos.

I’m still here. Missing your voice, missing your presence, missing your smile.

I’m still here adding birthdays, missing sharing that celebration with you but immensely aware of what a gift it is to age.

I’m still here, in the middle of the already and the not yet.

I’m able to still be here, to still be worshiping, because of the completed work of Christ on the Cross.

I’m still here confidently awaiting His promise of what’s the come.

I’m here waiting to see you again one day.